NARRATOR: 
Dogwoods, oaks, and pines rustle in the wind. The last rays of the setting sun illuminate a hawk circling far above the forest, above the rippling green waves of the tree canopy, above the songbirds nesting in the lower branches, and above the six humans attempting to make camp on the mossy ground.

Well, more correctly, San is making camp, while Fae and Brian are arguing in the corner and the three teenaged children of the Van Fam Polycule are watching on with varying degrees of disinterest and malcontent.

(woodsy upbeat music begins to play)

NARRATOR AS FAE (in a high, defined “valley girl” cadence): Brian, I was telling you to watch the road, and, look, I can’t believe you ran over that snake. It’s got all gummed up in the tiresand you know we’re far from things, it’s not in the rainy season and it’s—ugh, such a—it’s so hard to clean off and it’s gonna be smelling for like…a week.

NARRATOR AS BRIAN (in a low, slow, croaking voice): Well, Fae, you were actively recording, uh, for our Patreon, so, you—if you’re going to call  my attention to say something to our patrons, I think it’s kind of unreasonable that you expect me to be perfect also on the road, I can’t do both at the same time.

NARRATOR AS FAE: Brian, that’s not an excuse, we have our children in the car! Having your eyes on the road while driving is more important than anything else. C’mon, this is—these are our lives! This is—and the van is our livelihood! This is important!

NARRATOR AS BRIAN: Fae, if it’s that important, then don’t. Ask. Me. To look at the camera. While I’m driving.

(music fades out)

NARRATOR: Fennix. Would you like to describe your character and what he is up to at this moment?

LUCAS: 
Lucas is your classic teenage boy who has found a genre of music that he wants to make his identity (music as now described begins to play), which is: Y2K-throwback emo sort of vibes. He doesn’t have all that much in terms of the hair dye, the raccoon-tail kind of outfit, but he’s dressed in all black. He’s got on a very worn, ratty black hoodie that he refuses to take off, even in the summer. The pants that he’s wearing, they’re these jeans that were probably were one of his parents’--he’s a very gangly looking teenager, the sort of thing where, like, when a teenager hits a growth spurt, it looks like a kid stretched out? That’s the vibe Lucas has. He’s kinda gangly, his jeans are a little too short for him, worn at the knees—they’re threadbare at the knees, right, it’s not really bought like that.

He’s also grown his hair out as long as he can. It’s not very well maintained, it’s very frizzy—there’s a bit of a wave to it, but he’s done his absolute utmost to use a mixture of too much hair gel and sheer determination to get that coveted side-part that covers one eye. He thinks it makes him look very cool, jury is out on that, and he’s always wearing a little bit of eyeliner he can sort of…purloin, from Fae’s makeup drawer, and his fingers are constantly stained black because he’s got this journal, that he keeps on him at all times, with a paper-bag cover on it so that people don’t look, but he’s taken a Sharpie and colored the entire cardboard black. Unfortunately, because it’s Sharpie, there’s a lot of transfer over on his fingers. So everything that he has, everything that he owns, there’s always a little bit of a Sharpie fingerprint on it.

Lucas is…checked out, of this fight. It’s one of those things where he’s silently on his dad’s side, on Brian’s side, but if he says anything, it’s going to cause a ruckus, because Fae—Fae wouldn’t appreciate, you know, Mama Fae wouldn’t appreciate that kind of back-talk from Lucas. He’s already ran away earlier in the day and gotten lost and had to be recovered; he doesn’t want to cause more trouble again. So he’s probably just sort of doodling in his journal. Nothing in particular, just drawing two stick figures fighting each other, since that seems to be the vibe here at this campground right now.

(emo music swells and ends)

(melancholy guitar music fades in)

OLIVE: 
So Olive is Lucas’s twin and could not be more different of a person, I think. She is sorta just sitting to herself, not so much into the whole ‘emo black Sharpie’ vibe, but mainly just tries to keep a nondescript profile. She’s just wearing, like, hiking pants and a T-shirt, just something to be comfortable enough while trying to do this whole ‘van life’ thing while also not calling attention to herself, because the last thing she wants is to be on camera and have the spotlight on her and she’s just trying to blend in, trying to move along with the chaos that is her family life. 

And…I think she is…just sort of sitting directly behind Fae and Brian, sort of eavesdropping in on the argument and just, like, sighing to herself that like, ugh, this is all because of content, like, anything for content, wow, this entire thing is happening just because Fae had to have this on camera. And she’s just sort of waiting for a moment to jump in and defuse the situation, because she is the peacemaker and wants to try and make things okay and move on. 

NARRATOR AS FAE: Just, this isn’t—okay, Brian! You need to be reasonable about this! 

NARRATOR AS BRIAN: Ugh—

OLIVE: Hey Mom, Dad, uh, can we maybe just, like, try and uh, I dunno, think about food, or—or some—you know, it’s been a minute since we’ve showered, I think we can just, we can direct our energy elsewhere for now. Can we table this for now, maybe? 

LUCAS (above table): 
Ultimate parentified teenager.

OLIVE (AT): 
Right?

CORDELIA (AT): 
Yeah…

NARRATOR: Brian takes a deep breath. Fae always is, of course, practicing her diaphragmatic yoga breaths and turns to you. 

NARRATOR AS FAE: Um, yes, of course you’re right, Olive. Um…San, uh, how is the camp going? 

NARRATOR: San does not turn from where they are tying up the last corner of the tent.

NARRATOR AS SAN (in a medium-low, level voice): Almost ready now, Fae. Just give me a couple more minutes and then I can start on the campfire, we can get some baked potatoes going, and whatever else we have in the van fridge. 

NARRATOR AS FAE: Alright, great. Uh, where is Corde—Cordelia, what are you doing, sweetie?

(upbeat acoustic guitar music starts playing)

CORDELIA: 
Cordelia has not yet left the van. Cordelia is a petite and precocious twelve-year-old with very good hearing who knows exactly what’s going on outside. She is, as always, camera-ready, cute little pink polo top, some kind of a skort, this one is an overall skort that supports anything that might go in those pockets, and…Mama Fae was so upset when we hit that snake that she left her phone on the dashboard. So that is now in Cordelia’s pocket as she pokes her head out and says,

CORDELIA (in a high, obnoxiously helpfully-pitched voice): Hey, do we need anything from in here?

NARRATOR AS FAE: Uh, yeah, can you, uh…can you get out the, uh, vegan bacon from the fridge, um, and, um, maybe some of the uh, veggie burgers? We’re gonna make some, uh, dinner soon, San’s getting the fire ready.

CORDELIA: Yes, Mama Fae~!

CORDELIA: 
Cordelia goes through the fridge, packs up the few things that have been asked for, goes through, finds a bottle of something that the kids are proooobably not supposed to have, and tucks that into her pocket as well before popping out of the van.

LUCAS: 
Lucas leans over to Olive and is just like, 

LUCAS: Do you know if it’s the black bean burgers or the really terrible other veggie ones?

OLIVE: Um…knowing Mom, I think it’s the terrible ones.

LUCAS: Fuck. *Fuck.* 

NARRATOR: Can you also give me an investigation check for Cordelia?

CORDELIA: 
Yes. That is gonna be a 22. 

NARRATOR: Okay. I think we can presume, at this point, that Cordelia has long ago discovered the PIN for Fae’s phone. With a 22 Investigation check, what are you looking for on this phone, because you *find* it.

(party laughter)

CORDELIA: 
Well, *mostly* I was looking to have the phone in my pocket so that I could point out that Mama Fae didn’t have it if we needed a redirect. But as I’m idly going through the phone, I find the video that Mama Fae *just* took of us, uh, potentially swerving a little bit? Just something not—now, I don’t really think it makes the family look the best, so I just quietly swipe and delete that before sliding the phone back into my pocket. 

LUCAS: 
Okay, but, important—

OLIVE: 
Oh my god.

LUCAS: 
Do you delete it from the trash as well? 

CORDELIA: 
Let’s say (laughter from Olive)...no. 

NARRATOR: Oooh. Okay. You pop out of the van.

NARRATOR AS FAE: Oh there you are, uh, Cordelia. Um, so, uh, oh and thank you for bringing out the food, we’ll just get that started…um…

NARRATOR: 
San has gotten up the fire quite quickly; they are a pro at this. The fire’s crackling. Dinner starts to be made. At some point, Fae discovers that she does not have her phone, and in fact this happens at the point when she goes to try to take a selfie of you all setting up camp. 

NARRATOR AS FAE: Uh—

NARRATOR: 
She’s patting herself.

NARRATOR AS FAE: Where’s—where’s my phone? Uh—has, has anyone—Co—uh—Cordelia darling, do you know where my, do you know where my phone is? You’re always so good at finding things.

CORDELIA: 
Cordelia thinks a second and goes,

CORDELIA: Oh, I think I saw it on the dashboard? Let me just go get it real quick. 

NARRATOR: Okay! Give me a Deception check.

CORDELIA: 
(laughing) Well, it’s a 26.

NARRATOR: Oh! She got a modified 4, so…you run up, make a show of grabbing something. Do you actually grab anything different? 

CORDELIA: 
No, no. (party laughing) I just make sure my hand is visible through the windshield and come back out holding out her phone.

NARRATOR AS FAE: Oh thank you so much darling, you’re always so helpful with this. 

NARRATOR: 
She takes the phone, sets it up on her battery-powered tripod with a little ring light behind it, sets it on a timer, gets you all in, and says,

NARRATOR AS FAE: Okay, everyone smile! Say ‘Van Life’!

NARRATOR: 
From this, as you all are having dinner and completing this evening, we see everyone sooner or later heads off to wrap themselves in sleeping bags or sleep in the van, as their preference may be. Brian is sleeping inside. Fae and San are sleeping in the tent. 

CORDELIA: 
Cordelia’s definitely inside on one of the folded-down seat-beds. She’s short enough that her feet don’t really hang off the end.

OLIVE: 
Okay. I think Olive would probably be in the tent.

LUCAS: 
Lucas is gonna take this opportunity to use Olive’s bed to help hold up his legs. (Olive laughing) Unlike Cordelia, he is a little too tall for the beds that they have set up, and he is very happy for the opportunity to stretch out for the evening.

NARRATOR: 
We’re going to zoom out from this scene, out from the campfire, out from the outside of the van, past the little cross-stitched circle hanging from the mirror with a depiction of a happy little family of quails. Just a fanciful thing that Fae found at a little thrift shop somewhere. We pan up to the stars, and then fade into the next morning.

(music fades out)

(birds chirping, then a voice fades in:)

NARRATOR AS FAE: What the hell—what the hell’s going on? What is this? Oh my god—uh—was there something in the weed? There *has* to have been something in the weed. 

NARRATOR AS BRIAN (comically growly and flat): Everyone calm down, there has to be a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.

NARRATOR AS FAE (nearing tears): Brian, how is there a reasonable explanation for this? It’s gotta be—ugh—I didn’t think we had any of the shrooms left, I thought we already *had* all of them! 

NARRATOR: 
San is not speaking up as this conversation wakes the three of you up. As you come to, something is very strange. 

LUCAS: 
Mm-HMM. 

(whimsical, childish mystery piano music starts playing)

NARRATOR: You feel different. You’re not sure how—your arms in particular feel like, you kind of slept on them in a weird position, or something? Things are a little *odd.* And all of you come to realize, blearily, first looking over, seeing a group of *enormous* quails arguing with your parents’ voices. Followed by the realization that you yourselves are slightly smaller, juvenile quails.

LUCAS: What? What? Wha-what? WHAT? I—what? What? What? Hooooly shit. Hooooooly shit. Uhhhhhhhhh. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh. 

LUCAS:
Lucas is…losing his goddamn mind. 

NARRATOR:
So Lucas is inside of the van in this moment. So Lucas and Cordelia, you two are alone in here, hearing the conversation that your parents are having outside. So you see each other before anyone else. Lucas, you have to kind of hop out from under the covers a little bit, and the bed you are in, while before you had to prop your feet up on Olive’s bed, now it is this massive, expansive surface.

LUCAS: Cordy? Cordy? Cordy? Cordy? Cordy. What the *fuck*. What the *fuck* is happening. 

LUCAS:
Lucas is like, I don’t think he even realizes he’s kind of stress-flapping his wings (fluttering noise). You know those flutters that birds do when they’ve got, uh, issues with whatever is happening around them? Yeah, just the sound of fluttering—and he’s even hopping a little, and you see as he’s getting out from underneath the covers, he’s a California quail, but the feather at the top of his head, it’s actually drooped down enough that it represents a little bit of that side part he’s got going on. He comes out from underneath the bed covers, looking all ruffled, and spins around, sees Cordeli-quail, and is babbling, freaking out, running towards Cordelia. You actually see, as he’s hopping over, the fluttering makes him float a bit, which doesn’t help his panic attack. He’s just like,

LUCAS: Oh my god. Cordelia. I’m flying. What the fuck. Cordelia. 

NARRATOR: 
Out the window of the van, you are able to see the three arguing forms of your parents out on the ground in front of the tent next to the extinguished fire, along with a very small Olive standing at the entrance flap of the tent. 

OLIVE:
Olive is just seeing these, like, three essentially giant birds in front of her, and she just lets out an ear-piercing scream. Or what she thought would be a scream, but it comes out more of like a squawk, like a whistle, and she’s just in full panic mode. She’s looking at her wings and frantically moving about, like,

OLIVE: This can’t be happening, this can’t be happening, oh my god, oh my god, this—this has to be a nightmare, like—this—I can’t be—a *bird* of all things, like—this is insane, no, why’d it have to be *birds?!* (fluttering noises intensify) The talons, the—the wings, the feathers, oh god oh god oh god oh god.

OLIVE:
She’s just in complete panic mode, and has no idea what’s happening.

CORDELIA:
And Cordelia shuffles half-out from under the covers and is hopping around going, 

CORDELIA: Shut up, dummy! Why are you a *bird?!*

LUCAS: Bitch I don’t know! Sorry—I—nngh—ahh—ahh—oh god Olive’s gonna freak out. Oh GOD Olive’s freaking out. How do we get outta here?

CORDELIA: Oh Olive IS gonna freak out. 

LUCAS: How do we get outta here?

CORDELIA: No, shut up, shut up—

LUCAS: No YOU shut up— 

(fluttering, pecking, overlapping “You shut up”s)

LUCAS:
I’m starting to peck at Cordelia. 

CORDELIA:
I bat you back with a wing, like,

CORDELIA: Shut up, shut up! Mama and Papa and Thapa are talking. Maybe they know what’s going on.

LUCAS: We’re gonna be stuck here. We’re gonna be stuck. In this van. Forever. I can’t—I can’t even reach the fuckin’ door. Oh my god. Oh my god. We’re dead. We’re dead. We’re so dead. Oh my god. Ahhh— (starts sobbing)

CORDELIA: Shut up, dummy, there’s plenty of granola bars. 

LUCAS: Can quails eat granola bars?!

CORDELIA: Why don’t you go find out, I’m trying to listen. 

LUCAS (fading out): Araarrargh…

OLIVE:
Cordelia’s looking out the window and just sees Olive screaming and running in circles. 

NARRATOR: Little quail, running in circles, flapping, just—

OLIVE: AACK, AACK—

NARRATOR: —distressed at the fact that she’s flapping.

OLIVE: 
Mmhmm, mmhmm, mmhmm. 

CORDELIA: 
This is not improving the situation. 

OLIVE: 
No. Not one bit. 

LUCAS:
I think, actually, seeing his twin sister also freaking out doesn’t help Lucas’s freakout, and he’s going to try and hop up to get to a visible window, to sort of try and signal the parents. He does not care if he knocks anything over. All he cares about is, I gotta get out of this van, because we’re too small and we are trapped in here. 

NARRATOR: Give me your choice of Athletics or Acrobatics to attempt to open the door. It’s a van, so it’s one of those things where the handle is indented into the door a bit, in like a little alcove—

LUCAS: 
Aaah, shit.

NARRATOR: From your perspective, a quail-sized alcove (laughter), so it’s still perhaps a little more difficult to move a lever at your current relative size.

LUCAS: 
Oh my god. Uhhh. How high up is this?

NARRATOR: Your perspective as a quail, the door is like ten stories high.

LUCAS: 
Oh my god. Oh my god. So, not possible. Not even feasible.

NARRATOR: Oh, it’s a hundred percent feasible, you have a Fly speed. 

LUCAS: 
Oh, right!

(party laughter)

LUCAS: 
I’m a bird!

NARRATOR, OLIVE IN UNISON: 
You’re a bird! 

(party laughter continues)

LUCAS: 
Yeah. I’m gonna fuckin’ fly! Shit! All right!

NARRATOR: 
I think there’s a moment of Lucas, very understandably, not realizing that he has that option, just being like, uh, uh, how do I get up there. I just need an Athletics or Acrobatics check to land successfully on the handle and be able to push it down.

LUCAS: 
Oh, god, I hope I’m heavy enough for the handle. Okay, um, alright. Acrobatics. Let’s do this.

(a quiet, rueful laugh)

LUCAS: 
My first roll is an 8. So that’s a 10.

NARRATOR: Okay. I think you smack just into the door (thump sound) and fall back onto the ground. 

LUCAS: Oof! Ugh, uuahhhhhh…

CORDELIA:
It is at this precise moment that Cordelia has given up on eavesdropping and kind of flaps around the corner toward the door.

CORDELIA: You’re so bad at being a bird! 

LUCAS: …I JUST became a bird. 

CORDELIA: 
We get a 16 Acrobatics as Cordelia flutters over and tries to show Lucas up. 

NARRATOR: You are able to flutter over to the door, land on the handle, and you’re not heavy enough to depress the handle with your own weight, but you’re able to kind of flap your wings to push yourself down, and with that the handle turns, and you’re able to create enough force by flapping to get the door to swing just open enough for a baby quail to squeeze out. 

(flapping noises)

LUCAS: 
I’m gone. Buh-bye. (Cordelia laughing) NO THANKS to Cordelia. None whatsoever.

CORDELIA: 
I kind of stumble off the handle and flutter down after. 

NARRATOR AS FAE: Oh my god. The—(sighs) The story with the nature spirits in this wood, that I heard from that weird guy at the gas station fifty miles back. It must be true, and the spirits…have…elected to transform us as part of a. Journey? Of self-discovery? And actualization. 

LUCAS: What?

NARRATOR AS SAN: Fae. What the fuck are you talking about. 

NARRATOR: 
San is not the most talkative individual, but they do speak up in this moment.

NARRATOR AS SAN: None of this makes any sense. None of this makes any sense.

LUCAS: I just. 

LUCAS:
Lucas doesn’t really care about what the parents are doing, at this point. I think he’s going to go, he’s gonna run straight to Olive, to try and calm her down. 

OLIVE: 
Olive is just trying to take some, like, grounding deep breaths, but the problem is every time she exhales, it makes a little quail noise, and that’s just causing a feedback loop of panicking, trying to calm down, take a deep breath, panicking more. It’s just this absolute rabbit-hole of a cycle.

NARRATOR: (makes excellent quail noises)

OLIVE:
Exactly. 

LUCAS: 
Lucas is just sprinting at Olive. 

NARRATOR: Doing that bird sprint, where your wings are half-open…

LUCAS:
Yeah, I don’t know if that helps or actually hurts to see a quail the same size as you careening towards you. 

OLIVE: 
I think she just runs. (laughter) I think she just literally runs. 

LUCAS: Olive! Olive, it’s me! Olive, it’s me, your big brother, oh my—

OLIVE: You can’t be Lucas! Okay, this is—this cannot be happening! People don’t turn into birds!

(flapping noises continue throughout)

NARRATOR: Olive, give me a Perception check.

OLIVE: Okay. So that’s a 26. 

NARRATOR: As you’re shouting “people don’t turn into birds”, you see that this little juvenile California quail’s wings are stained with Sharpie. 

OLIVE: Oh my god. Oh my god Lucas, that IS you.

LUCAS: I tried telling you—yes it’s me, dude, uh, close your eyes, I guess, if it helps to talk to me? 

OLIVE: Okay. Okay. I’m closing my eyes.

LUCAS: Okay. Close your eyes. Like. It’s fine, we’ll deal with this, just, like, uh…I don’t know what the parents are doing, but like, we, uh, are birds now? We DON’T need to think about that right now, like, are you good? I saw you screaming, uh…; 

OLIVE: We’re gonna wake up soon, right? We’re just gonna wake up soon, and this is all gonna be over.

LUCAS: Uh, yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely. Uh. Just…keep your eyes closed? 

OLIVE: Okay. Okay. Okay.

LUCAS: I could like. I don’t. Uh duh I duh. Does it feel weird if I sort of like, try and push you, to navigate, or—

OLIVE: Oh feathers no nonono, that’s, no, no, please don’t touch me, oh my god— 

LUCAS: Okay, okay. Uh. Uh. Just. Just. 

OLIVE: Oh my god. Oh my god. 

LUCAS: Just follow…my voice, when I move? 

OLIVE: Okay. Okay. 

LUCAS: Okay. Okay. Okay. (to himself) Okay. Okay. (loud again) Cordy, Cordy, um, Olive’s okay.

CORDELIA:
Cordy has been strutting her way over to the parents and looks over at this quail with its eyes tightly closed and then turns back to the parents. 

CORDELIA: Hey, hey, I got us out of the van. Ummm…so this ac-tu-al-i-zation thing, how do we…stop it? 

(laughter)

NARRATOR AS FAE (trying but halting): Uh, you don’t, we don’t, you don’t stop actualization (upbeat woodsy music fades back in), it’s a gift. We have to learn from this experience and grow as…beings, and, then, having learned from the experience, we…get to…go back our normal…Van Life! 

(music stops)

NARRATOR: You can hear that Fae is starting to break down.

LUCAS: Mom, are you saying this is *therapy?*

(music fades back in) 

NARRATOR AS FAE: Ye…es. Yes, this is group therapy. This is group therapy, our family has been having a lot of…difficulty, and there’s been a lot of stress, and there’s been some—I know that you’ve seen, uh, your parents arguing. The three of us care very much about you, and, you know, part of this Van Life was to get more in touch with nature, and out of civilization? And…now, we all have the gift…of being…a part of nature.

(music ends)

LUCAS: Uh, I don’t want to be a part of nature if this is what it is. Can you just, like…oh my god, can we just turn back? Can we just turn back? What is—what the fuck—(unintelligible babbling) 

CORDELIA: Mama Fae, I think the gift of nature’s giving Olive a panic attack?

OLIVE:
Olive just collapses on the ground and starts bawling. In whatever way a quail can bawl, that’s what she’s doing. 

NARRATOR:
I’m not sure whether birds can cry in real life, but for the purposes of this very silly premise, yes, you can bawl on the ground.

OLIVE:
(laughing) Okay, great, that’s what’s happening.

LUCAS: Goddammit. Olive. Olive. Olive. Deep breaths. Deep breaths, remember?

OLIVE: I’m fine. I’m fine, it’s fine.

LUCAS: Okay—

OLIVE: I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Everything’s— (begins unintelligibly panicking)

LUCAS: Hey, no no no. Hey, hey, uh, headphones, uh, fuck, I can’t use my headphones. AaaaaaaAAAAAUGH— 

NARRATOR: Lucas, give me whatever check you think you would use to try to recall your music and hum or sing or chirp it. 

LUCAS: 
Honestly, I think I’m going to roll Arcana. This is magic shenanigans, Lucas didn’t know magic existed and now he does ‘cause he’s a bird, he’s not good at it, ‘cause that’s a 9. So instead, what comes out is the most ghastly squawk, right in Olive’s ear. 

(harsh screeching noise)

OLIVE: 
I think that’s enough to jolt her up from her crying state and just run some more. Just run away. 

LUCAS: UUUUUGH. 

NARRATOR: 
I would like a Dexterity saving throw from Olive. 

OLIVE: 
Okay. Okay, okay. (laughs) That’s a 2!

LUCAS: 
Wow, turns out panicking children aren’t really good at doing sensible things. 

OLIVE: 
Yeah! Yeah. Who would’ve guessed, honestly.

CORDELIA: 
We need circus music, but it’s quails. 

(circus music begins playing) 

NARRATOR: (makes excellent quail calls in time with the circus music) 

NARRATOR:
Olive, you see this really grating horrible-sounding squawk that, even in its horrible gratingness, is somewhat reminiscent of some of the bands he listens to. 

LUCAS: 
It’s like a death metal scream. 

(music abruptly swaps to death metal scream)

NARRATOR: 
There is a dealth metal scream, and you can somehow see the percussion waves of sound coming from his beak. The waves overlap; at the intersection points where they are amplified (this is expertly conveyed through wavelength sound effects) a little ring of flame and flickering sparks appears, and you take 2 points of fire damage. 

OLIVE: 
Oh my god. 

LUCAS: 
Oh, shit!

OLIVE: 
Okay. 

CORDELIA: 
Cordelia immediately hops around and goes,

COREDLIA: Mamaaaa! Lucas just set Olive on fire!

NARRATOR: Uh. Uh, don’t set your sister on fire, Lucas!

LUCAS: I didn’t MEAN to! What the fuuuck…what the fuck…I was just trying to CALM HER DOWN.

LUCAS:
Him getting upset is not gonna help his discovery of magic. 

OLIVE:
Weirdly enough, honestly, despite seeing the panic prior to this, seeing the visible percussive elements and then the fire and even getting singed, she went from full-on crying panicking to just a stunned silence. Like, she just doesn’t know what reality even is anymore. 

LUCAS: Uh. Um. Are we magic quails? *Are we magic quails?* Uh. I. I. Hold on. 

LUCAS:
And Lucas is going to try doing what he did again, except not facing his twin sister (laughter) or any of his family members. He’s just going to turn toward wherever fallen leaves are, and I’m going to try to cast Fireball. 

NARRATOR: 
Oh my god. Okay. Because you are brand new to your class abilities, which you do have suddenly, whether you know it or not, give me an Arcana check, DC…I’m gonna call this 15 plus the spell level. 

LUCAS: 
Oh, Jesus, alright. I should’ve done a cantrip. Oh! That’s 20!

NARRATOR: 
All right!

LUCAS: 
I think he intends for a small thing of flame. It’s not what happens. 

NARRATOR: Emo music from the 2000s (much like the background that just faded in) seems to play on the wind around you. Everyone can hear it. And a little bolt of red light flies from your beak, hits the pile of leaves, and detonates in a huge conflagration. The leaves are instantly singed and blackened—

LUCAS: 
OH NO

NARRATOR: You picked a pile that was on dirt somewhat away from the surroundings, so it does not spread or linger, but the leaves are reduced to ash in a moment. 

CORDELIA:
Completely unnecessarily, Cordelia watches this and goes,

CORDELIA: Lucas just set the…everything? On fire? 

NARRATOR AS FAE (as the music swells and fades): Yeah, we saw it, we were all watching. Uh. Lucas! Stop? Magically setting things on fire? 

LUCAS: Uhhhh. Iiiii. I didn’t know I could do magic, Mom!

OLIVE: 
Olive just instinctively takes a couple steps back, is freaked out, and digs her talons into the ground, and as she does so, she unintentionally casts Land’s Aid around her. And all these flowers and thorns start growing out of the ground in a circle around her, unintentionally digging me talons into the ground caused this bed of flowers and thorns. And I’m sort of taken aback by the beauty of it. Like, finally, as wild and insane as it possibly is, it’s actually grounding me a little bit, all of this nature surrounding me—

LUCAS: Ooh!

OLIVE:
—which means I do take 2d6 necrotic damage. But I also take 2d6 healing, so I’ve lost 3 more hit points. 

NARRATOR: 
We see all of these plants grow and bloom around you. At the same time, you start rapidly molting, all of these feathers just fall off of you, and then a moment later most of them are replaced with brand new shiny feathers.

OLIVE:
Olive is just stunned by this. Like, she just can’t move. She’s completely still. 

NARRATOR AS FAE: Uh. Yeah. That was very—nice and beautiful, Olive. See, Lucas? Do—do that, like your sister, that’s nice, good magic. 

(Olive laughing)

LUCAS: Uhhhhhhhhh I. What the. Okay. Um. Uhhh (whispering) What did you—what did you do? What did you do to—

OLIVE: How should I know? I don’t know. 

LUCAS: You just did—okay. Uh. 

LUCAS:
He is going to try and cast healing magic, which he doesn’t really know how to do, looking at his sheet, so, DM, I leave it up to you to decide what he ends up casting. 

NARRATOR:
Give me an Arcana check. 

(laughter)

LUCAS:
That’s a 12. 

NARRATOR: 
With a 12, nothing happens. 

LUCAS: Uh. ARARARRRRRRGH—

(laughter again)

LUCAS: Cordy can you cast magic. 

CORDELIA: Mmm. Uhhhh. Uhhhhhh. 

CORDELIA: 
Coredlia is hopping over, tries to pick one of the flowers out with her little claws, and as she’s hopping over and she falls silent, are there any other animals in the area? Anything making any noises, any birds making bird calls? 

NARRATOR:
Give me a Perception check. 

CORDELIA:
I get a 19 to listen real hard. 

LUCAS: 
Daaaamn. 

NARRATOR:
There is, standing on a rock just on the edge of your campsite, very small, but not unseen by you, there is an isopod. A roly-poly, a little pillbug, sitting on a rock, observing all of you, clearly watching. And with that Perception check, you can sense…intelligence behind its gaze. 

CORDELIA: 
I slowly kind of strut my way in a circle and try to meet its…eyes?

CORDELIA: What are you lookin’ at?!

NARRATOR AS GUB (in cartoony just-a-little-guy voice): Uhh, I’m looking at you.

LUCAS: Oh, shit! It can talk! 

(Upbeat quirky music begins to play)

LUCAS: You can talk?

GUB: Of course I can talk. Why would I not be able to talk?

LUCAS: Okay, Olive, I think this is a dream. 

GUB: Hi, my name is Gub. Daughter of Gub. 

LUCAS: Guh?

GUB: Gub. Like my mom. And dad. And all of my siblings. 

LUCAS: Mom? Mom? There’s a—there’s a big that talks. Mom, a bug talks. The bugs talk. What? Mom. Mom. Dad. Dad. San?

NARRATOR AS SAN: Ah, yes, the…uh, we can see. Uh, hello, Miss…Gub?

GUB: Hello. Um, listen, you’re, like, really far out from the Vale? Would you—I can—are you lost? 

LUCAS: We…uh…yeah we’re, we’re lost. We’re—we—we should be humans. But we’re not. And you talk. And I can cast magic now.  

GUB: I don’t know about the other things, but no one should be humans. Did you know that my mom killed a human? Like, my grandmother actually got stepped on, to death, by a human, and then her daughter, my mom, Gub, got revenge. 

LUCAS: Uh—okay. Okay. Okay. 

GUB: She’s so brave. I wanna be just like her when I grow up. 

LUCAS: Uh…

(Gub’s theme song ends)

(party laughter)

LUCAS:
Lucas is checked out immediately. He’s just…

CORDELIA:
Cordelia is strutting backwards a little bit. Pigeon-bobbing backwards on each step. 

GUB: Anyway, um, I can show you the way home, if you’re lost. I know the Vale is really hard to see from the sky, so it’s easier to walk. Unless I can get a ride! If I can get a ride on one of you, then I can direct. I have experience as a quail-rider.

CORDELIA:
Cordelia looks over at the parents and…and makes an assessment. 

CORDELIA: Uh, uh, Thapa San? You wanna…pick up the bug…?

NARRATOR AS SAN: Uh…yeah. We would love—we would love, yeah, uh, yes. We’re…lost. I can give you a ride. Show us back to…the Vale? Um, that would be…helpful. 

GUB: Okay! I can do that!

NARRATOR:
Gub just crawls over and crawls up San’s leg onto their back—

LUCAS:
Oh, I hate that.

NARRATOR:
—into a riding position.

LUCAS: 
Mm-nn. 

OLIVE: Does that mean. We have to. We have to fly? Are we flying right now?

NARRATOR AS FAE: Uh, yes, I think we’ll have to fly, because we’re all birds now. And I know you’ve always been scared of birds, but, this is part of. Um. This is part of our journey. And you know that quails are really beautiful? You know I have that cross-stitch. 

LUCAS: 
M—m—okay. Okay. Okay.

NARRATOR: 
With that, the six of you take off and are guided by Gub shouting over the wind. 

GUB (Gub voice almost inaudible over wind noise): Yeah, take a left here! 

LUCAS: 
Hard to hear. 

GUB: Take! A! Left! 

LUCAS: What?!

NARRATOR:
It’s already hard to understand her, the enunciation gets a bit garbled coming from an isopod. And the six of you, under this direction, make it to the Vale, whatever that means. 

Three weeks later…

NARRATOR:
Within the forest, neither deep nor dark, neither young nor ancient, lies a secluded clearing where small creatures may thrive. It is encircled by a ring of pines, dogwoods, and the solitary old oak tree, whose branches protect against the sun and birds of prey alike. Dappled light filters through the canopy to illuminate the gossamer wings of pixies, darting about on their many urgent tasks. Tiny waterwheels turn in the tiny stream the amphibious farmsteaders call a river. Tiny insect musicians play music in dark corners. Tiny windows and doors in a variety of bright colors pepper the tree stump the pixies inhabit, while stately chipmunks go about their business within the tangled roots of the old oak. 

Before these roots, we see one such chipmunk in particular, wearing a charcoal blazer with a matching top hat—no pants—in conversation with a lizard and a familiar quail. 

NARRATOR AS FAE: Um. I just think, because Verity here, who is a very lovely lizard, and a wonderful mom to Tyrone, I think it’s really important that you, Father Kip Acornicus, as head of the Acornicus household, you have so much wealth in acorns. And we think it’s really important that we have a really expansive and plentiful acorn meal available as part of the wedding reception banquet, so that as many guests and members of Crittervale can participate. Okay? 

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS (in a deep, snooty voice): Well, I—Fae, I understand that you’re new here, and you’re very eager to help out, but the Acornicus family’s strategic acorn reserve is, of course, where we get our family’s name, and it’s very important for the long-term success and safety of the entire Vale, so—we can’t just empty our coffers for every wedding. People get married all the time! And—

NARRATOR AS FAE: This wedding is special, okay? Henry and Tyrone’s union is the most important thing happening right now. 

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: (without respect) With respect, I really don’t think that it is markedly more important than any of the other occasions going on.

NARRATOR AS FAE: I think that—

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: Listen, Fae. You’re getting so involved in this wedding, but what of your own family? Where are your children right now?

NARRATOR:
We zoom out from this and pan the camera over next to the river, next to the fields tended by frogs, where we find the young quail Lucas, observed by a pixie with a magenta pixie cut, Olive, and Cordelia. Lucas is, of course, doing what he has been doing for the past two weeks, which is helping effectively fertilize the crops with the use of fire magic burning off the old weeds that have grown in plots when they’re being rotated and not used. 

LUCAS:
Before he sets off the first fireball, he definitely turns to Bom, the pixie, and is just like, 

LUCAS: Hey, uh, what color should I do this time?

NARRATOR AS BOM (high and fast as magical chimes begin to play): Ohmigod, you’ve gotten so good at doing this in all sorts of different colors. Um, I think that it would really help to do sort of a puce? Um, because the last time we did sort of a periwinkle and I think it really helps to get those really specific nuances down, ‘cause then the more control you get over this, the more useful it’ll be. 

LUCAS: What. Is. Puce. 

NARRATOR AS BOM: Oh, um, uhh, it’s, it’s a this! 

NARRATOR:
She gestures at her hair, and her hair immediately turns puce (magical sparkle). 

LUCAS: Oh sh—right. Okay! Um…alright, let’s do this.

LUCAS:
And he’s going to cast Fireball at third level, at the farmland. 

NARRATOR: 
Give me an Arcana check—with advantage, you’ve been doing this for two weeks—to see how controlled and accurate this is. 

LUCAS: 
That’s a 19.

NARRATOR:
Okay! WIth a 19, you shoot off a Fireball, it hits dead center in the middle of the plot. In just one casting, you manage to burn all of the plants. (2000s music begins playing) It’s not a hundred percent perfect, there’s some extra things off the sides of the plot, the fencing gets just a little bit seared, but it’s pretty good. It’s been a week since the last time you set a fence fully on fire. 

LUCAS: Hell yeah. 

OLIVE:
Despite the accuracy, Olive is still like,

OLIVE: Okay, Lucas, I—ugh just please be careful. I know you think you’re a pyro pro at this point, but like, try not to burn the whole forest down, please?

LUCAS: I’m having my abilities being used in exchange for tender, for goods and services—I think. I think.

OLIVE: Yeeees, but it’s still fire. Just be careful.

NARRATOR: There’s not really…currency in Crittervale. (laughter) So this is mostly the goodwill of your new neighbors.

OLIVE: Okay, so what are you getting out of this again? Why are you doing this?

LUCAS: I get to *burn shit*, I get to burn shit, Olive, do not rain on my fucking parade.

NARRATOR: 
This partly started as a “No, no, we were doing this on purpose to help you” when you were fucking around the field setting it on fire. 

LUCAS:
Mm-hmm, exactly. Like, definitely, definitely was an excuse that he just ran with in order to keep doing what he wants to do, which is set things on fire.

OLIVE:
Olive just lets out an exasperated sigh and shakes her little bird head. 

NARRATOR:
You see the farmer hops out, a very nice frog in a tweed jacket named Declan. 

NARRATOR AS DECLAN: (convincing ribbits, then in a lilting, somewhat randomly-intoned voice) Oh my god, thank you so much for me helping me with all of that fertilization. I’m so excited—I mean, you’ve done wonders for all seventeen of my brothers, Dale, Richard, Sven, Fergus, Frogus, Fabian, Zayne, Trevor, Leslie, Gregory, Gaylord, Borbit, Flickit, Gerald, Ken, Fergus again, and Chester. It’s all—thank you so much, you’ve done so much for our family. I know I was the last one, and you’ve been diligently getting to all of this, all of us, over the last two weeks. Um, I did wanna ask if you could also do my Uncle Jeremy, but—you know—if not—I know you just agreed with Zayne that you would do all of his siblings, so I’m, I’m very appreciative! 

LUCAS: Uh, yeah. I think I got room in the tank for one more of these. 

NARRATOR AS DECLAN: Okay, Jeremy’s plot is over this way, er—I mean, you know your way around by now, right? It’s over past the third mill, some of the wood is a little bit warped, just ‘cause it was the first one that we built. My Uncle Jeremy is, you know, he’s been here for a while.

LUCAS: Sure.

LUCAS:
Lucas just goes in whatever direction this frog tells him to. At this point, he’s just like…let’s just get this over with, this is just another excuse to cast a Fireball, and I…truly don’t know what my life is right now? Other than being a quail that can cast Fireballs.

NARRATOR:
You see that Bom comes over.

NARRATOR AS BOM: Okay, I think that was really good, that was *almost* puce, I think we should try it again on the next one to get it just right, that was really more of a, like, a, sort of a desatured rose, but I think we can get to puce if we just—we’re almost there, we’re almost there, and it’s very important, you know, to get the colors *just right*, um, that is actually the most important part of magic.

CORDELIA:
Cordelia’s been standing back a little bit, still getting a little bit of a kick out of how well the ‘No, we were just fertilizing the farmland’ trick has gone over. It is a little weird how into it Lucas still is, but, like, that’s Lucas, it’s fine. When people are paying attention to the fire, instead of to her, Cordelia is practicing her footwork of hopping back and forth, wielding this little sandwich pick, this green plastic sandwich pick in the shape of a sword that she managed to salvage from the forest. Just practicing poking at different tall pieces of grass with it.

NARRATOR:
The grass is extremely tall: it is well over your heads, despite the fact that it would be an entirely normal grass height if you were in your human forms. 

CORDELIA:
Of course the sword goes away immediately as soon as anybody’s looking her direction. 

OLIVE:
Olive is, you know, as the Fireball’s going, she sort of instinctively puts her wing out in front of Cordelia, trying to protect her, but isn’t really looking back at her to see what she’s actually doing, and is moreso just frustrated that like, Why are we wasting our time with this? Shouldn’t we be trying to figure out how to make this stop, how to turn back? Like, what about our lives? She’s just kinda…frustrated, that we’re off setting things on fire and meeting the townspeople instead of trying to figure this out. 

NARRATOR:
At this point, you see a chipmunk who you are all familiar with walking very *stately* over to all of you. 

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: Oh hello there, children, I was just talking to your mother, actually, and it’s good that I should meet you here. I was just on my way to speak to some good businessmen here. But! I know that you have been doing a very good service, Mister Lucas, setting a blaze to fertilize all of our important crops. However, I’ve been talking to your father Brian about some interesting ideas about how to, ah, run things in a bit more of an organized fashion, and for the next fire I’m going to ask you to come to me to first get something called a *per-mit.*

LUCAS: A what?

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: A permit. It is a thing that you have to ask me for, before setting things on fire, for safety, and then—

LUCAS: Can I have a permit?

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: —if I, in my greater wisdom—

LUCAS: Can I have a permit?

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: Yes, I can give you a permit, if I assess— 

LUCAS: Can I have a permit right now?

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: Well, you’ll have to write it up on a nice quality leaf, and—

LUCAS: Do you have one?

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: Yes, of course—

LUCAS: ‘Kay, thanks.

NARRATOR:
He pulls a leaf, not of a leaf of paper but an actual leaf, out of his coat and hands it over to you.

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: Just make sure you specify the parcel at which you are delivering the burning, and please draw out the regions of what will be burned, and specify the notes as to the color that you will be using. The pixies inform me that the color is critical.

LUCAS: Okay.

OLIVE: I think this is a—this is a great idea, Mr. Acornicus sir, I think it’s about time we got some control to this chaos. I really appreciate it.

LUCAS: Uh… (scribbling noises)

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: Yes, absolutely. We’re all about safety in the Vale, you know we are very lucky and privileged here to be in an environment where we are free to live in civilization and community with our fellow critters, without the threat of—

LUCAS: I’m done!

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: —predators, and such dangers.

LUCAS: I’m done.

CORDELIA:
Cordelia hops over to Lucas.

CORDELIA: Hey, I’ve never seen a Fireball permit before, can I take a look?

CORDELIA:
And she’s kind of waggling her head in.

LUCAS:
It is a very—like, he’s doing his best, but he honestly tuned out with the list of requirements and only captured a few things, so it’s just like stick-figure drawings of him, as a quail—you can tell it’s him because it’s got a cool side-part—throwing a Fireball at a piece of land that’s just ‘Frog Farmland’ and that’s it.

NARRATOR: Give me a Persuasion check with disadvantage,

LUCAS: 
Mmhmm, mmhmm, mmhmm, mmhmm. (laughter)

NARRATOR: The DC is going to be…just a 14, because this permitting process is new. 

LUCAS: 13

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: Um. This isn’t quite…uh…in line—you need to specify the parcel number of the plot—

LUCAS: Hey, what’s the parcel number? — yelling this to the frog. 

NARRATOR AS DECLAN: Uuuummm—here, I can come over and write this for you, I know the parcel number for my uncle’s plot, of course, it’s 423869—

NARRATOR:
And you see that Declan the frog writes his uncle’s parcel number on the form. 

LUCAS: (with a papery flap) Here. 

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: Well, very good. This is all in order, then. Very well! Good work, children. It is very important to learn early on to be a productive member of our community. Have a good day. 

LUCAS: bwhy

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: Why?

(laughter)

LUCAS: I said BYE —and he leaves.

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: Oh. Goodbye! 

NARRATOR:
At this point, Bom goes,

NARRATOR AS BOM: Okay that was really good, um, we’re going to do the next one, uh, oh I actually just remembered I have to do some really bi—augh—I need to build a new clock. I forgot, I have to build a new clock, like, yesterday, so I’m gonna—I need to run back to the Stump, but, I’ll catch up, and make sure to get that puce!

NARRATOR: 
She starts flying off. (bug-zipping noise) What are the three of you doing?

LUCAS:
Lucas didn’t like this pompous fuckin’ dude, and so, as he leaves, he walks past Acornicus and he’s gonna try and steal something off him.

NARRATOR:
(with a ‘try it’ sort of laugh) Oookay, give me a Sleight of Hand. 

LUCAS: …that’s a 4. 

(pattering and rustling)

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS:Oof, uh, young man, watch where your hands are—are going, can I help you with something? 

CORDELIA: Oh, don’t mind him, he’s just really clumsy when it’s not about fire. 

CORDELIA: 
Cordelia struts forward.

NARRATOR: 
Give me…Deception.

CORDELIA:
Uh. 12. 

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: Ah. Understandable. It’s, ah, it’s important to have specialized skills. I, ah, quite understand, thank you for looking after your brother, young Cordelia, you’re always a go-getter. 

CORDELIA: (sickeningly sweet) Oh, well thank you very much! 

CORDELIA: 
As she’s kind of bobbing her head forward and starting to pass by Father Acornicus, she rolls a Sleight of Hand to attempt to steal something from him. 

(rising laughter)

LUCAS: 
Can I give the Help action? 

NARRATOR: Yeah. Yeah you can. 

LUCAS: 
I think…to emphasize that he’s clumsy like Cordelia said, he’s just going to pretend to trip over a little bit and like, knock himself.

NARRATOR: You have to beat a 17. 

CORDELIA:
Oooough, 14. 

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: Hmph, young lady, I do think that you may have been attempting to *pick my pockets*. I’m disappointed in you. You’re usually so upstanding! What could have—what could have demanded this uncouth behavior?

CORDELIA: 
(laughing) We’re in so much trouble…

LUCAS:
I’m gonna cast…I’m gonna cast Suggestion. 

NARRATOR: (tired, questioning life choices while holding back laughter) Alright. That’s a natural 4 for a 7. 

LUCAS:
I’m going to Suggest that Cordelia was not actually pickpocketing and was, in fact, trying to straighten out whatever weird outfit he had on after I ran into it. 

NARRATOR: (rallying) Okay. That’s a nontraditional use of Suggestion, but I’ll take it. I like that.

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: Oh! Ah. It just occurred to me that, of course that’s not what you were doing, you must have been helping me with straightening my coat. Thank you so much, it’s very important to maintain a proper appearance at all times. 

CORDELIA: I know how important it is to you, Mr. Acornicus. 

CORDELIA:
Cordelia flutters her little quail lashes.

NARRATOR AS KIP ACORNICUS: Oh, yes, of course. Thank you so much. I will be on my way now.

NARRATOR:
And he heads off. Now (laughs, slightly pleading) are you going to keep trying to pickpocket from him? 

LUCAS:
That would be kinda fun, wouldn’t it.

(party laughter)

OLIVE:
I think Olive just instinctively jumps in here and goes,

OLIVE: Do you two really have to be such kleptos? Please.

LUCAS: Yes, absolutely.

(Olive laughs) 

CORDELIA: Well, I was just gonna show Lucas how to do it *better*, but I guess it’s late or something. 

LUCAS: I also don’t think I can cast Fireball now so, uh— (laughs)

OLIVE: Just try to keep yourselves out of trouble, please?

LUCAS: Why? We’re birds. It’s the rules of the jungle, man. 

CORDELIA: Everybody knows that bird trouble doesn’t count. 

(laughter)

LUCAS: Yeah, exactly.

OLIVE: I don’t know how to respond to that. (sighs)

NARRATOR: I would like Perception checks.

LUCAS:
Ah, fuck. Okay.

OLIVE:
Mmm. 

LUCAS:
16!

CORDELIA:
8.

OLIVE:
16.

NARRATOR:
Olive and Lucas, you notice a salamander wearing a coat that’s a bit tattered, it’s not in great repair, kind of leaning against a tree—you’re sort of in between plots of farmland now—and he’s leaning against—by tree, this is, like, a teeny little weed growing out of the ground. But from your perspective it’s a tree. In the direction of the river, he’s leaning against this tree on the bank, observing you.

LUCAS: Can we help you?

(‘This Person Can Totally Be Trusted’ music starts playing)

NARRATOR AS SLICK: (in a gravelly-yet-slimy, *thoroughly trustworthy* voice) Hey kids, I see that you seem to be having a bit of…fun, trying to pull one over on Kid Acornicus, do you have beef with him?

LUCAS: He’s just annoying. 

CORDELIA:
Cordelia jumps and turns around and goes,

COREDLIA: Who wants to know?

NARRATOR AS SLICK: Name’s Slick. 

LUCAS: Eugh. 

NARRATOR AS SLICK: Slick the Salamander, if you please.

LUCAS: You couldn’t have a better name?

(party and narrator burst out laughing)

NARRATOR AS SLICK: I don’t know what you mean. It’s a family name. You know, my—

LUCAS: Your name sounds like a *porno.*

NARRATOR AS SLICK: I…don’t know what that is.

(more laughter)

CORDELIA: Lucas, why do *you* know what that is?

LUCAS: Do you really wanna know, Cordy?

CORDELIA: …no.

LUCAS: Yeah, exactly.

NARRATOR AS SLICK: Ehmm…look, kids, Father Kip, he sucks, right? You agree with me that he sucks? 

LUCAS: Oh, yeah, absolutely.

COREDLIA: Maaay-be.

OLIVE: I don’t know about…that…he seems fine to me.

LUCAS: That’s ‘cause you got a stick up your ass. 

NARRATOR AS SLICK: Looks like a couple of you got some…sticky fingers about it, too, huh?

OLIVE: I had nothing to do with this, okay? I am not involved. 

CORDELIA: I don’t think we have fingers?

NARRATOR AS SLICK: It’s a figure of speech. 

(laughter) 

LUCAS: 
How does a salamander know what—you know what? Hmm…

NARRATOR: Salamanders have…toes. 

OLIVE: 
Yeah! Yeah. 

CORDELIA: 
Yeah!

LUCAS:
Webbed fingers…

NARRATOR AS SLICK: Listen, I’ve got…my family’s had a loooong problem with Father Kip. You know what would be a little—fun? You wouldn’t be interested in playing a bit of a trick on Father Kip? 

LUCAS: I’m listening. 

NARRATOR AS SLICK: What if I told you…that I had something of a map of the Acornicus estate, and…I bet you two, maybe not your…(laughter) snooty sister, but you two at least could perhaps sneak in and gain access to the vault where his family holds all of the strategic acorns and other assets. Now, I hear that the vault has a secret trapdoor in the bottom that leads to an underground river, and I found that river, but…the door is inaccessible and completely hidden from the river side. But if you can gain access to the vault through the normal route on this here map, you could open the door from the inside. We could get anything we wanted out that door, scot free. 

LUCAS: Hmmm…mm…

OLIVE: Um, Lucas, Cordy, can I talk to you over here for a sec?

LUCAS: Yeah.

OLVIE: Listen. (sighs) I know how much you like swiping things, it’s all well and fun, all well and good, but do you really have to do it to the most important person in the Vale? I feel like he’s the one person who might be able to try and help us! Like—(sighs) please, don’t do this.

LUCAS: Help us with what?

OLIVE: Help us turn back!

LUCAS: Why would we wanna turn back? I got magic powers.

OLIVE: Why wouldn’t you wanna turn back? What about your life?! What about being human?

LUCAS: Our *life* is being content for a ‘Van Life’ family. Is that really, like, what you look forward to? 

OLIVE: Okay, you…you have a point.

LUCAS: Yeah, let’s go steal this dude’s stuff. Like, come on—

OLIVE: That’s not what I’m saying! No!

CORDELIA: I—I mean…it would help out Mama Fae. If he’s being really stingy with the wedding reserves then we can, you know, just get a little bit something for the banquet, and they probably wouldn’t even know it was us. I mean, what are we, amateurs?

OLIVE: I don’t know, this just seems like such a bad idea, but…if you really think this is gonna help in some way, then…I’m coming along just to keep you two out of trouble, okay?

LUCAS: I mean, I don’t think it’s gonna help at all, but it is fun. 

CORDELIA: I mean, he is the richest man in town, you never know, he might have something magic down there.

LUCAS: Yeah, you gotta eat the rich or something. 

OLIVE: Oh, god, what are we getting ourself into…

CORDELIA: That’s not…quite what that means?

LUCAS: 
Are quails ca—can quails eat meat? *Can we eat meat?*

(laughter)

OLIVE: 
Quails *are* omnivorous and will eat meat, primarily in the form of insects and other small invertebrates. 

LUCAS:
Mm.

OLIVE:
I *hope* we have not eaten members of the Gub family—

CORDELIA:
*Bugs.*

OLIVE: 
—because that would be unfortunate. 

CORDELIA: And besides, Olive, if someone’s gonna get in trouble, who’s it gonna be: the cute little quail family, or the *Salamander named Slick who’s hiring child labor?*

(laughter from Lucas)

OLIVE: I dunno…I guess—

LUCAS: We could just say that he gave us like a sob story about, like, oh, the way to turn human was in there, or something. 

OLIVE: You just wanna throw this stranger under the bus? I mean, he seems a little shady, and his name is terrible—

LUCAS: His name is *Slick.*

OLIVE: —but that doesn’t mean we completely throw him under the bus—

CORDELIA: He could be threatening us. I mean he hasn’t yet, but he could. 

OLIVE: I guess he does seem the type to maybe…maybe put us in danger…

LUCAS:
The Gang Does a Profiling. 

OLIVE:
Did we—did we just profile this salamander? (party laughter) Is that problematic?

CORDELIA: 
I think we did.

LUCAS: 
We’ve—yeah!

(louder laughter)

NARRATOR AS SLICK (as though his next line will be ‘You want some candy?’): Hey kids, did I hear that you were trying to deal with a bit of a magical malady? 

LUCAS: Yeah, we used to be humans, now we’re this.

NARRATOR AS SLICK: …okay. Um. Say, I know a sorceress lives a bit out of the way, not approved by the finer sorts who live around here. Might be able to strike some kind of bargain but…don’t think I can do that unless I can get a bit of help from you with my little manor—my little matter of the Acornicus vault. You know, favor for favor. The sorceress’s name is Brilda.

LUCAS: Hey, Olive. Two birds, one stone.

OLIVE: I mean…what’s to stop us from just finding this Brilda ourselves?

NARRATOR AS SLICK: Well, heh. You’re welcome to try, I suppose. Your funeral. 

OLIVE: Well that’s not ominous. Um…(sighs, lowers voice) alright, what do we think? Lucas? Cordelia?

LUCAS: You know what I think.

CORDELIA: As long as we make sure we can find him again. 

OLIVE: Alright. (sighs) Alright, fine. We’ll do your manor job, we’ll get into the vault, but you better keep your word. Or else Lucas is gonna throw a Fireball at your face. 

LUCAS: 
*Yeh.*

NARRATOR AS SLICK: It’s a deal. Here’s the map. Can you be ready tonight?

LUCAS: I need to do a…long rest? Short rest?

NARRATOR AS SLICK: Tomorrow then. 

LUCAS: Yeah. Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

CORDELIA: He’s wiped out from all those stupid Fireballs.

CORDELIA:
And you can hear a little bit of jealousy in Cordelia’s voice, because Cordelia has notably not manifested any (laughter) flashy shows of arcane ability just yet. 

CORDELIA: It’s like we were saying before! Bird trouble doesn’t count. 

~

NARRATOR: 
Cordelia, you are going to see Bead Stepper, a cricket musician (elegant fiddle music starts playing) of much renown within the Vale. Of course, the Vale isn’t very big, so ‘much renown’ is realtive here. She is doing some rehearsals at kind of a backstage auxiliary stage within the Root Tangle. So the big main venue of Crittervale is the Big Root Theatre, which is nestled in the roots at the bottom of the great oak which overshadows the whole Vale.

So you’re inside those roots, off in a kind of side chamber where a little enclosed backroom theatre is for doing rehearsals and stuff. 

(ambient discussion)

There are a number of musicians. Most of them are crickets, but there are a couple frogs and other creatures tuning their various instruments. Bead herself is tuning her violin, because of course as a cricket she plays the violin, and she pauses in doing this to walk over to you, Cordelia, with whom she is now familiar. 

NARRATOR AS BEAD (in a soft, elegant voice): Oh hello there, Cordelia. I don’t suppose you are aware of where I might have left some of my sheet music, you’re so good at finding things…

CORDELIA:
For once in my life honestly, like,

CORDELIA: Oh, I’m so sorry, no, I don’t know, but I will keep an eye out for it.

NARRATOR AS BEAD: Oh, okay, thank you. I suppose we can do a different piece for today, maybe a…maybe an older thing…mmmmm…I’m sure something will come to me…what have you been up to today, Cordelia? You and your siblings? Still setting the fields ablaze? 

CORDELIA: Yeah, you know, we’re still helping out with the frogs. Um…I do think we might have heard something that might be helpful. Actually, I wanted to ask you, since you know so many people—uh, do you know someone named Brilda? We heard that’s someone we might want to talk to, do you know anything about her?

NARRATOR AS BEAD: Brilda, Brilda…that rings…a bell…there’s an old folk song about a sorceress named Brilda, is that—I don’t know if that’s what you’re referring to?

CORDELIA: Uh, yeah, yeah I think that sounds right!

NARRATOR AS BEAD: Okay! I suppose we could give it a try. I’m not usually one for singing myself, but we can see if I can remember the words, let’s go. 

NARRATOR:
She gets up on stage and finds the words in her mind to this old song.

NARRATOR AS BEAD (singing, as slowly darkening music plays):
Over the river
And through the dark wood
Across the green field 
Of clear-sky thunder
‘Neath brambles and leaves
And the roots of trees
To wise Brilda’s lair 
We go with wonder
Within the deep dark
What is to be found
Where we call for help
But none hear the sound
She sees what is fake
Her magics write fate
Our boons we must take
For it is too late
In that place most deep
Where light does not reach
To find her goodwill
We must now beseech
Her bite is quick death
Her fangs we will feel
If we cannot make
A favourable deal

CORDELIA: 
Cordelia has been jotting notes, clif notes during the song. She gets to ‘bite’ and ‘death’ and stops for a second, then keeps writing, and claps against the notebook when the cricket’s done. 

NARRATOR: 
She gives you a bow, steps aside as some of the other musicians start playing and rehearsing their pieces, and she accompanies some of those on the violin. 

(elegant violin music transitions us to the next scene) 

OLIVE:
Olive is checking in with her parents, ‘cause it’s been a minute…(laughs) Just seeing what they’re up to, with the intention to let them know that tomorrow night, she and her siblings might be busy, doing something. 

NARRATOR:
So naturally, as birds, the three of you and your parents have found housing in Highperch. Highperch, of course, is the bird neighborhood, which sits in the large branches of the great old oak which overshadows the Vale. You fly up to a nest—this is an old nest, that had been previously occupied by other birds who have long since moved out. The six of you are perhaps not prepared to take on the endeavor of building on your own nest, and also, what would that mean, in terms of settling in and accepting your current situation? 

So you find the three of your parents here, and they are in conversation. They’re actually working together a lot more harmoniously than you have previously seen them in the van.

NARRATOR AS FAE: Okay, so, Acornicus still hasn’t agreed to give up the acorns, but maybe we can make something else work…some of the frogs have a lot of edible flowers and root vegetables, so we might be able to make do with that. It’s just, ugh, acorns are—are so much better, but we can make do with the root vegetables I think. Um—how is—how are the planning with you two going?

NARRATOR AS BRIAN: I’m helping Henry organize his bachelor party. They’re gonna do a push-up competition—it’s apparently a very popular activity with the lizards, so we’re making sure we have a venue reserved for that, and I think we’re gonna have it all squared away pretty soon.

NARRATOR:
San speaks up.

NARRATOR AS SAN: 
I’ve been working on getting all the decorations. It’s kind of a lot of foraging, gotta find all the plants—they specifically want all the decorations, lots of bows and ribbons, well, leaves tied into bows, grass, but they specifically veridian as the color scheme, which you know is a very specific shade. So I’ve had to do a fair amount of looking to make sure I find blades of grass in the correct color. But it’s going well.

NARRATOR: 
And the three of them are just…having this conversation. 

(1:19:56)

OLIVE: 
So Olive walks in and is just like,

OLIVE: Wow, it sounds like wedding planning is going well, you all seem…unusually chipper, everything’s good? 

NARRATOR AS FAE: Well, now that we’re quails, uh, it just makes sense to be chipper, doesn’t it? Cheep, cheep, cheep!

OLIVE: I mean, I’m glad you’ve found your calling here and everything, and I’m glad the…the wedding stuff is going well, but, like…is that really what we should be focusing on? Are you not concerned about the whole…turning back to being human…thing?

NARRATOR AS FAE: Of course your other parents and I are very concerned about our whole predicament, and there’s a lot we don’t know, but…the most important thing is this…the most important thing, I think, for this journey of discovery and self-actualization (woodsy upbeat music begins playing) is to be helpful and make sure to learn and reinforce the values of community, so I think helping out with this wedding is the most important thing any of us can be doing right now.

OLIVE: Right, right, okay. Okay. And—

NARRATOR AS FAE: And you’re doing so good with helping the frogs. Well—Lucas with your help. I understand that sometimes he needs somebody to kind of keep him focused.

OLIVE: Yeah, I don’t know, I’m mainly just looking out for Lucas. I guess…I guess what he’s doing is helping, but it’s…I dunno, seems a little chaotic.

NARRATOR AS FAE: Yeah, he has a chaotic energy, but…you know, sometimes, you just have to…take that chaos and redirect it toward something helpful, you know? And the…he has very useful—the—the magic is quite, very impressive. That’s a weird new thing. I didn’t know birds could do magic, honestly. I, um, I mean—magic is all around us, of course, but I didn’t know it was a quail thing. 

OLIVE: Yeah, that, uh…I’m still coming to terms with that a little bit myself, is that part of the whole self-actualization thing? I mean, what else did you hear about that? 

NARRATOR AS FAE: I…um…I don’t think I’ve heard…I think, you know, the journey is different for everyone—

OLIVE: Uh-huh…

NARRATOR AS FAE: —and so I think there’s only so much you can read into, into the particular specifics, you know.

OLIVE: …Suuure. Okay. Yeah. Well, listen, I think Cordy and Lucas and I might have a bit of a lead. Someone we can talk to to try to figure out how to…how to turn back. How to, you know, finish our actualization journey, maybe. 

NARRATOR AS FAE: Oh! That’s lovely, sweetie! Um…yeah, yeah, that sounds so fun. You can—you can go talk to people.

OLIVE: Yeah, ye—

NARRATOR AS FAE: Make friends. 

OLIVE: Yeah, yeah, that’s exactly what we’re gonna do. So we’ll—we’ll be a bit busy tomorrow night, I think, doing that. And, uh, we’ll report back. And we’ll—you know I’ll make sure Lucas and Cordy are safe and everything goes well, don’t worry. 

NARRATOR AS FAE: You always do. I mean, it’s just a *conversation*, what could happen?

OLIVE: Yeah! Yeah, yeah. No, totally. Totally. Just a conversation, not doing anything else. That’s—yeah. 

NARRATOR (grin audible in voice): Give me a Deception roll. 

(party laughter)

OLIVE: 
That’s a 9…!

(party laughter intensifies, an indistinct “Oh no”)

NARRATOR AS FAE: Sweetie, is there…something else going on? 

OLIVE: No, no no, nothing. We’re just, uh, just gonna be talking to—

NARRATOR AS FAE: You can talk to us, you know.

OLIVE: Oh, I know. And I, I really appreciate that. But we’re just—we’re just, ah, gonna talk to some people, and get some information, and uh…oh, uh, what’s that, do you smell something? Do you…

OLIVE:
At the same time, Olive is casting the cantrip Druidcraft, and just a little sensory effect of uh…let’s go with a skunk (spray sound) just starts wafting through the nest. There’s some really rank odor that is wafting around the area, mainly just to try and get the conversation onto literally anything other than what we were just talking about. 

NARRATOR AS FAE: Oh—oh my—oh my god, is that a—is that a *skunk*? I didn’t—I didn’t think big animals could get here. Augh. Um.

OLIVE: Yeah, this is gross, you know what, I—

NARRATOR AS FAE: I’m sorry, we’re gonna have to have this conversation later—I think we need to—

OLIVE: Yeah, I think so—

NARRATOR AS FAE: —fan out the room—

NARRATOR:
They all start flapping, to try fan out the air, air out the room. 

OLIVE: Yeah yeah let’s definitely talk about this more later okay byyyeee!

NARRATOR: (laughing) Amazing. Lucas!

LUCAS:
I’m just rolling up to the pixie houses and just being like, hey, anyone know about this sorceress, this sorceress Brilda? Like, they’re magic, and a sorceress is magic, so like…one plus one equals two.

NARRATOR: 
Yeah, I think you are quite acquainted with Bom, at this point. So you are able to locate her doorway. It’s sort of on the second…story?...almost all of the pixies live in the Stump, which is in the center of the clearing next to the river. It has all of these little doors in it, and you hop up on a particular one. You can’t judge it by color, because they’re always changing the colors, they’re always different. If you were an adult quail, it would be pretty tight, but at your size, it’s just about right.

LUCAS:
(with quiet, mystical glee) I’m so small!

NARRATOR: 
Quite a bit smaller than the lanky Lucas as a human teenager. You quail-strut down this carved wooden hallway; there are all of these literal fairy lights going along the ceiling and the walls. There are little teeny-tiny potted plants in here, the itty-bittiest plants; and, going down a couple corridors, you hear some banging and clanking, and you take a left into Bom’s workshop. 

There are all sorts of wooden and brass fixtures in here. It’s very steampunk, things are ticking, things are clicking. (ticking and clicking noises) Bom herself is sitting at a wide workbench. It all smalls very much of wood and machine oil. You don’t know what she makes it from, but it does smell like machine oil. She has grease all over her arms and face, and she is working on somekind of clockwork device on this wide workbench. She hears you, looks up, takes off some goggles.

NARRATOR AS BOM: Oh hello there! What can I do for you Lucas? Did you get the puce?

LUCAS: Yeah, I think—well, actually, I wasn’t able to, because there was this thing happening with Acornicus that was just…anyway, long story short I’m gonna do the puce tomorrow. Um…I actually had a question. About a sorceress in the area?

NARRATOR AS BOM: Uhhhh…oh, um, I don’t think, I mean, are you talking about um Maggie Chipperhop, she’s kind of, she does a little bit of magic, she, she, you actually live around the corner from her up in Highperch— 

LUCAS: (slowly) Brilda?

(laughter builds in the background) 

NARRATOR AS BOM: No, Maggie Chipperhop, she’s a magpie.

LUCAS: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but—

NARRATOR AS BOM: She lives around the corner from you? I’m sure you’ve met her. 

LUCAS: Yeah but like, some dude (laughter) who’s got the name of Slick (joining in laughter)...um…told me about a lady named Brilda? 

NARRATOR AS BOM: Oh that’s somebody totally different. 

LUCAS: Uh, who’s Brilda?

NARRATOR: I’m gonna roll a History check for her. 

LUCAS: Slick’s Brilda.

(immediate “ew, eugh, no” from the party)

LUCAS: 
Better than Brilda’s Slick.

CORDELIA:
That sounds like a terrible kind of Spiders Georg. 

NARRATOR: (through laughter) Brilda’s Slick.

LUCAS: 
That’s even worse said out loud. 

NARRATOR: It’s pretty bad.

(continued laughter)

LUCAS:
Okay I’m so sorry. 

NARRATOR AS BOM: Oh yeah actually I do know a Brilda that’s a sorceress. I mean I know of her it’s sort of like a, you know, a ‘myths and legends’ situation?

LUCAS: Oh—

NARRATOR AS BOM: It’s not like I mean like she doesn’t live in town, if she lives at all, oooooh, who knooooows—

LUCAS: OoOOooOOh

NARRATOR AS BOM: I think she was a, I think she is a real person though. I think she’s a real person and I think people just don’t go to her because they don’t wanna like die and also they would have to leave the Vale and no one leaves the Vale! Why would you leave the Vale it’s SO nice and we don’t eaten by like. Foxes. It smelled like a skunk just like a few minutes ago which is kind of weird skunks usually don’t get in here? Um, but it just kind of, I just got a hint of it and then it went away—

LUCAS: So Brilda lives…where? Do you know? Like what’s the rumor, like, you said she’s like a myth? And like, she eats people?

NARRATOR AS BOM: It’s like something really far away, it’s like, um, uh uh-uh-uhuh I think…you know the Gub family?

LUCAS: (laughing) Unfortunately, yes.

NARRATOR AS BOM: Unfortunately? They’re SO NICE what are you talking about?

LUCAS: It’s so hard to tell—I know they’re all named Gub, but like. Is that the Gub I talked to the first time I was a quail? Is that the Gub that I stole shit from, is that the Gub that I helped out? Like, there’s a whole variety of responses that can happen with all of the Gubs, and you just never know which one to look out for.

NARRATOR AS BOM: That’s true they have a lot of different personalities, but I will tell you that they have slightly different carapaces, so if you get good at like remembering their segments, some of them have like slightly different coloration patterns, it’s all different, uh, subtly different shades of gray and like specularity, but you CAN tell them apart. Um, and I would love to talk you about that some time because it’s really an, I’ve actually like, I, here—

NARRATOR:
She rifles through some papers.

NARRATOR AS BOM: I have some sketches, um, so you can see, this Gub is, um, the 337th daughter of the sort of current matriarch, you know the Gub who killed the human, and everyone knows about her. 

(laughter)

LUCAS: Yeah sure, that’s literally the first thing Gub told me about, like they made such a big deal out of it.

NARRATOR AS BOM: Oh yeah they ALL—they all make a big—I mean, it’s a pretty big deal. Humans are pretty big! So of course anything about humans is gonna be a big deal.

LUCAS: …yeah. Yeah—

NARRATOR AS BOM: I know all of you said you were humans before, but, like, you obviously don’t understand how big a deal they are, so I kind of think that maybe you’re a bit confu—I don’t know what was going on but maybe there—maybe you got some head trauma. I had a head trauma once, it was really bad, I, like, it took me so long to remember how my notes were organized—

LUCAS: Bom. Bom.

NARRATOR AS BOM: Yeah?

LUCAS: *Where’s the lady? PLEASE.*

NARRATOR AS BOM: Gub? Gub lives in—

LUCAS: *Please.*

NARRATOR AS BOM: —the old log, where most of the bugs live—

LUCAS: (extending the word as though sobbing) Noooooohohohohohoo.

LUCAS:
Lucas just sorta…slumps, sits.

(laughter)

NARRATOR AS BOM: Oh you’re talking about Brilda! 

LUCAS: (anguished) Yes.

NARRATOR AS BOM: Okay! 

(laughter mixed with crying)

CORDELIA:
We stan an ADHD queen. 

NARRATOR AS BOM: Brilda! So last I heard, um, uh I think there’s, there’s some sort of, there’s a place that’s—in the forest, that’s like, or it’s kind of like in a clearing outside the forest, it’s like, really scary. Because there’s like—there are humans there sometimes, and there’re like, loud sounds, like THUNDER, and it’s super loud, and, um, I don’t really know, I don’t know exactly where it is, but I know that Gub’s—the matriarch Gub’s mom, uh, Grandmother Gub, died there.

LUCAS: Okay. I guess it’s time to find a Gub. And hopefully not the one I stole shit from.

NARRATOR AS BOM: *She got stepped on.*

LUCAS: She got stepped on. 

NARRATOR AS BOM: Yeah, by a *human.*

LUCAS: (deadpan) Damn. That explains the human-killing. 

NARRATOR AS BOM: Oh yeah, it was a total, like, vengeance arc, it was so cool.

LUCAS: Thanks, Bom.

LUCAS:
Lucas—I feel like Bom is so much more ‘ADHD random’ to Lucas, in a way that he appreciates but sometimes he’s just perplexed by. He’s always down to do whatever she wants to do, because he’s like, this bitch is crazy (pos), but the minute he has to get something from her, he’s like, this bitch is crazy (derog). 

(laughter)

CORDELIA:
If Lucas had a *smidgeon* more self-awareness, I could him having this terrible moment of like, is this what it’s like to try and get something from me? 

LUCAS: 
No, it’s not, ‘cause I’m *emo*, and I’m not *chipper*, I’m never *chipper*.

NARRATOR:
The three of you are able to reconvene. Where do you think the three of you meet up when you don’t want to be around your parents? 

CORDELIA:
Maybe out near the first frog farm? Because that’s where we ended up when we started doing shenanigans?

OLIVE AND LUCAS:
Yeah.

NARRATOR:
You head over there. It’s getting into the early evening, so it’s just starting to get dark, but the Vale is a pretty safe place to be, so it’s pleasant. It’s warm, you hear the babbling of the river, you hear sounds of a gentle breeze rustling the grass, rustling the leaves, and there are fireflies glowing and dancing all around you. Most of them are gathered off by Big Root in the distance, because, of course, Big Root employs little charms that attract fireflies to it to light up the stage at night. But there are still a number where you are, and we find the three of you standing a good bit away from the actual farmhouse. You know, you don’t want to attract the attention of the actual farmers for your little get-togethers. 

CORDELIA:
In the dying light, Cordy has her little kludged-together notebook that she’s been jotting stuff down in all this time, and goes,

CORDELIA: Soooo…bad news, uh, I asked about Brilda up at the practice stage and got a folk song. 

OLIVE: Oh that is bad news.

LUCAS: Woooow. So like—okay, I talked to Bom, and they were like, (high-pitched and squeaky) ‘she’s like a legend’ (reverts to normal) or something like that. I don’t remember. But…it seems like everyone sort of stays away because they don’t wanna get eaten? 

CORDELIA: Uhh, yeah, there was also something about, uh, ‘bite of death’ and ‘fangs.’ So, uh, yeah, yeah, that checks out.

LUCAS: Uhhhh. Alright.

CORDELIA: So yeah, if she’s real she’s bad. C—cool?

OLIVE: That does not sound great. Okay.

LUCAS: They said she’s located where Gub’s matriarch—great grandma? The grandma? There’s so many of them—is buried. Or, died. 

OLIVE: Interesting. I mean, if…if this person’s that dangerous, I mean, should we just…should we try and get the help of that…terribly-named salamander? Like, do you think we’re gonna get some information that will help us there?

LUCAS: I mean…

CORDELIA: I mean it sounds like we’re back to the plan ‘breaking and entering.’

OLIVE: Ugh…I mean, I, I wish we weren’t, but…

LUCAS: We could try and scout out the area. Just see. Just so we—like—is she a…a…a cannibalistic chipmunk? Or is she like, a badger, or like a fox? Like…I feel like it wouldn’t hurt to, like…scan a little bit, right? Just recon. We don’t have to talk to her. 

OLIVE: Yeah, I guess we could—we could scout it out, during the day tomorrow, and then if we, you know, don’t luck out, then at night, we can always, um…do a heist, I guess.

LUCAS: Sounds good to me.

CORDELIA: As long as it’s not too far. 

LUCAS: Ugh, god.

CORDELIA: Uh, did you guys talk to the parents at all? Like, they’re not…onto us, or anything…?

OLIVE: Yeah, no, they should be off our backs, I think. I told them that we’ll be talking to some people tomorrow, we might have a lead and everything. And, uh…I think they bought it, maybe? 

LUCAS: Do you?

OLIVE: Okay honestly they might not have, but I dunno. I think—I think it’ll be fine. They have short-enough-term memory that it should be fine.

LUCAS: Do you think Mom and the others actually wanna stay?

OLIVE: I mean, maybe. It’s possible.

LUCAS: They’re not looking very hard.

OLIVE: They really aren’t. They really settled into the nest, too, like it—

LUCAS: And like, I’m not complaining, but like—that is kinda weird. 

OLIVE: Yeah…they’re just, like, they’re planning this wedding, and like…I guess Mom’s gonna do what Mom’s gonna do, but like—

LUCAS: Yeah, it’s Mom.

OLIVE: But they’re *all* into it. They’re all helping. It’s—it is weird. 

CORDELIA: I mean…I’m not *surprised.* Especially, like, Papa Brian was never happy in the van, so…

LUCAS: I mean, none of us were happy in the van.

OLIVE: Yeah…hmm. 

LUCAS: Cordy, come on. Come on. You’re telling me you liked sleeping on a bed in a van? At night? And then waking up to a camera in the face? 

OLIVE: You liked being on camera all the time? Yeah. Having to ‘please the followers...’

CORDELIA: I—well—it—mmmmm…well, Mama Fae was happy in the van.

OLIVE: Yeah. 

LUCAS: Yeah, well, Mama Fae can be happy outside the van. …I don’t know, Cordy, I just feel like we have magic here, people will just think we’re dead. And like…(laughing) that’s fine.

OLIVE: So are *you* okay with just staying like this too? 

LUCAS: Me?

OLIVE: Yeah. Either of you.

LUCAS: A little bit. I think it’s like…I mean, I don’t know we’re gonna live the same lifespan as quails. If that’s the case, maybe not. But like, I dunno man. I feel like…not needing to worry about being in a cramped van is really nice. And just—

OLIVE: Yeah, but—what about the life you could’ve lived, you know? Grown-up, out of the van, doing your own thing, living your own life, what about that?

(a pause. Crickets chirp.)

CORDELIA: I don’t know if we’re…gonna be any good at that. 

LUCAS: Yeah. Like…I dunno, man. Like. The internet’s weird. And like, I don’t—it’s—no matter where we go, we’re gonna be the kids who were part of that crazy polycule van life family. Like, that’s the thing that people are going to know about us. We don’t have…any choice in that, and it’s kinda nice, not needing to be that.

OLIVE: Yeah. I dunno. Like, hmm…I mean, maybe we wouldn’t be able to lead any sort of normal life, but…I’d at least like the chance to be able to live *a* life, you know?

LUCAS: I mean, this is a pretty, uh, some Secret World of Arietty shit, just like…random society in the middle of nowhere, like that’s…it’s not like we’re needing to go and pick out bugs from the ground. We have food. We can have a house. That’s nice. 

OLIVE: Yeah…

LUCAS: We haven’t had a house. 

OLIVE. Well, listen. Like…(sighs) I think we still gotta find out how we can potentially change back. And when we actually find out how then we can cross that bridge of deciding whether or not we actually want to. 

LUCAS: I’m good with that.

OLIVE: Okay. Agreed.

CORDELIA: Yeah. (a pause, then, brightly) So! Crime?

LUCAS: Yeah, let’s—let’s do crime. 

OLIVE: Ugh. I guess we’re doing crime.

-

NARRATOR: That was Episode One of Quailful Polymorph on the Crimes and Cantrips podcast. This tale of quails was brought to you by Miri Baker as Cordelia, Fennix as Lucas, Beatrix Ryle as Olive, and me, Gwen Malmquist, as your narrator and editor. Additional music, environment ambiences, and sound effects are by Epidemic Sound and @MichaelGhelfiStudios. This episode includes a thunderclap sound effect by Fission9 on freesound.org. For bonus content, help us keep telling you stories at patreon.com/crimesandcantrips. Thanks for listening! Catch us next time for more crimes and more cantrips.